Why Everyone Should Have a Cell Phone

Don’t you hate it when the short-term parking lot at the airport is full and you told your sister-in-law you would meet her at the baggage claim and if you park in long-term parking you have to take the shuttle and you’re already running late so you leave your car unattended in the passenger loading zone for exactly 10 seconds to run in and yell, “Meet me outside!” but when you get back to your car, an airport bike cop is writing you a ticket and reprimanding you for breaking the law?

I hate that.

What's a Percentile, Anyway?

If Liam is in the 11th percentile for height, but his head is in the 95th percentile, does that mean he’s going to look like Jack when he grows up?

I hope so.

Crying Is for Sissies

You can tell a lot about a baby's future by how he takes his shots. I can already tell that Liam is going to be tougher than all of the other kids. He’ll probably steal their lunch money and beat them up after school. He takes his shots like a champ.

I heard all kinds of horror stories about immunizations. New moms told me how they sobbed right along with their babies as they got their shots. Dads told me how they held their babies tightly so they couldn’t kick their legs as they screamed bloody murder. “You’ll need to bring Ben to the appointments,” they said. “You won’t be able to do it alone.”

Even the pediatrician apologizes profusely every time Liam goes in for his shots. She gets out the special Bugs Bunny band-aids and whispers happy poems in his ears and then furrows her brow and bites her lip before she carefully sticks him with each tiny needle.

But my strong little man hardly even cries. He lets out a little whimper when the first needle goes in, and gets a tiny bit louder with each shot. Mostly he just shakes his little arms in defiance. But the second it’s over, I pick him up and he stops crying. He looks around like, “Who was crying? It wasn't me.”

I hope your kid doesn’t go to school with Liam, because my little tough guy will kick your kid’s trash.

The Messy Baby Food Stage

One of my biggest fears of being a mother has always been the messy baby food stage. You know the one where the baby spits his bright orange gooey food everywhere? Where he has a permanent messy face? Where the highchair has to be washed after every meal? Where the diapers start smelling really nasty? That stage. I knew that day would eventually come and it totally stressed me out.

I would look at pictures of my friends’ babies with food all over their faces and wonder how they knew their baby wasn't going to smear goo all over everything while they were taking the picture. The whole messy-faced-baby idea kind of freaked me out.

Maybe I didn’t have an accurate understanding of the baby food stage, or maybe it’s just different when the baby is your own, but yesterday Liam ate squash for the first time and I almost died of cuteness overload. I'm happy to announce that my fears of the messy baby food stage have completely disappeared.

Kilan

Last month I made my annual trip to Ikea and saw this bedspread that I really liked.

I didn’t buy it because it was my first time seeing it, it wasn’t on my shopping list, I wasn’t in the market for a new bedspread, and I didn’t have room for it in my suitcase. It’s excuses like these that make me want to punch myself in the face.

I can’t stop thinking about that blanket and I live at least 60 billion miles from the nearest Ikea. I’ve been to 15 different stores looking for a replacement, but Bed Bath & Beyond and Target don’t have anything like it.

Now I’m going to have to plan another trip to California. How can one store have such control over me?

Benihana Shares Your Sorrow

The coolest thing about Benihana is not that someone comes to your table and cooks your food right in front of you. It’s not even that he jokes about the scallops coming from the Great Salt Lake or that he tosses a shrimp tail from his spatula into the top of his chef hat. It’s that you can send greeting cards from their website.

Check out our menu! Find a restaurant near you! Send an e-greeting?

My Girlfriend Likes UL and DHC

Two Unwritten Law concert tickets: $36
Service charge for two Unwritten Law concert tickets: $12
Parking for Unwritten Law concert: $7
Babysitter for time spent at Unwritten Law concert: $40

One baby-less night out with Benny: priceless

Stay Away from Checkstand Four

Yesterday I got a bunch of grocery store ads in the mail. I looked through them to see where I should go shopping this week, since I live within a mile from about 17 different grocery stores. Smith’s had tomatoes for $1.29/pound, so I decided to give them a chance.

Little did I know, Elvis’s biggest fan (who also happens to be the world’s fastest talker) is a cashier at Smith’s. I pulled my cart up to checkstand 4 and started unloading my groceries, noticing that Elvis’s biggest fan and the woman in front of me were carrying on a friendly conversation. I waited patiently while EBF told her friend about her recent trip to Memphis, complete with more details than anyone would care to hear.

As her friend finished paying and started to leave, EBF started recounting her entire Memphis story to me. I soon realized that the woman in front of me was most likely a complete stranger and I had just fallen victim to her same punishment. I’m so bad at situations like this. When do you use “uh-huh” and when do you use “oh, really?” And how do you do it while making sure the cash register is recording the correct amounts?

It ended up going a little like this:

EBF: You could really feel Elvis’s presence there in his house…
Me: Uh-huh
EBF: He was pretty much bankrupt by the time he died…
Me: Oh, really?
EBF: His ex-wife sold the rights to his name for $200 million…
Me: Wow
EBF: This one time, he brought a little girl up on stage with him and gave her his $50,000 ring…
Me: Wait…did those bananas just ring up as $1.80/pound?
EBF: Our tour bus parked right across the street from his house…
Me: I’m sorry, I thought the bananas were $ .50/pound.
EBF: Yes, the bananas were $ .50/pound. Did I say that ring was worth $50,000? That was wrong. It was actually a $500,000 ring...

Eventually she had to take a breath, so I took the opportunity to say “thanks” and start running. Before I was too far away, though, I heard her say to the man behind me, “I took this trip to Memphis last summer...”

A Surprise for Bryant's Refresh Button

It’s been almost four months since I’ve written anything. I’m a very bad blogger and I should be fired.

And speaking of getting fired…

I totally got laid off last week. I’ve been working part-time from home for the last six months. Apparently there’s not enough work to go around for the real writers who dress up and work full-time at the office, so they had to bring my e-newsletter back in-house. I guess at-home part-timers are lower on the totem pole than at-work full-timers. My boss was ever so cool about it, but it’s still rather embarrassing.

I’ll go ahead and continue to over-use hyphens and mention that for now the plan is to just be a stay-at-home mom.

And speaking of being a mom…

My baby is so dang cute. He’s six months old now…can you believe it? That’s practically old enough to walk and skip and answer the phone and give high fives. Okay, not really. But he does roll over counter-clockwise from his belly to his back. I know…so talented. I’m not sure what’s so scary about rolling clockwise, but just forget it. He won’t do it.

And don’t even try to distract him while he’s watching Baby Einstein. Godzilla could walk in the door and Liam wouldn’t blink an eye if Baby Einstein were on. That’s my boy—way to stay focused.

He’s eating solid foods now. He’s actually eating a tablespoon of rice cereal mixed with enough water to create the consistency of liquid soap. There’s nothing solid about it, but I'm still proud of my big boy.