What's Your Excuse?

I went boating with a bunch of people from Church on Wednesday, and we got stuck in a big storm out in the middle of the lake. My phone and other personal belongings were in a big waterproof bag on the seat next to me.

As tons of water started gushing into the boat in giant waves, I realized I had two choices: leave everything in my bag and hope my phone wouldn’t get wrecked, or take everything out and use the bag to start bailing water so the boat wouldn’t sink.

It took me a while, but I finally realized that keeping the boat afloat was probably a teensy bit more important than my cheap cell phone.

The good news is that after 24 hours of drying out, my phone works again. And also, the boat didn’t sink.

The bad news is that I should have been using that phone to vote for Allison.

Excuse Me, Flo?

Remember in Dumb and Dumber when Lloyd stands at the bar putting out the vibe while Harry puts in a good word to Mary "Samsonite" Swanson for him?

Liam totally puts out the vibe. He struts his stuff when he’s sitting in his stroller. He rests his foot on the snack tray and looks around like, “Heyyyyyy, ladies.”

The other day we went for a walk in the park and Liam was checking out all the hot women in their workout clothes.

We passed one guy who said, “Good morning,” and I answered with a “hi.” I think Liam had forgotten that I was there, because as soon as he heard me talk he whipped his head around to see who had said “hi.” He looked up through the little canopy window and stared at me like he couldn’t believe that his mother, of all people, had followed him to the park, and that now she was actually talking to people.

Seriously, how embarrassing.

And Don't Forget the Rubber Gloves

We don’t have a dishwasher, so we wash our dishes the old school way—with a soapy scrubbing tool and a quick rinse. It takes a total of 5 seconds per dish and we really don’t mind it.

Last week my grandma and my brother came to visit. My grandma had her own way of doing dishes, which required plugging both sides of the sink, filling one side with clean water and one side with soapy water, soaking the dishes for 3.472 minutes and then scrubbing them with a dish cloth, then transferring the dishes over to the clean water side (which became soapy and needed refilling after every 3 dishes), and finally draining both sides and rinsing each dish one last time. It seemed like a lot of extra work, but I know better than to challenge Grandma on something like washing dishes, so I went along with it.

One day while she was here, Grandma walked in on me washing dishes my own way. She wanted to help, but she couldn’t figure out which stage of the process I was in. She started to plug one side of the sink, then moved to the other before I told her that I normally wash dishes this way and it only takes a second…see? She observed for a while and then walked away bewildered.

The next day Grandma walked in on my brother washing dishes, and he happened to be washing them the same easy way that I use—the normal way. Completely surprised that he knew about the easy method, Grandma asked him, “Did your sister teach you to wash dishes that way?”

Pretty Boy

When I was pregnant with Liam, I made the mistake of telling my co-worker, Joseph, that I hadn’t taken the tags off my baby clothes yet because I was still hoping he might come out a girl. Joseph was appalled at my completely inappropriate and horrible thoughts. He told me I was a man-hater and that my baby would grow up hating himself, along with the rest of the male population.

I’d like to dedicate yesterday’s dress-up session to Joseph.

And a Happy 4th to You Too

Check me out—I’m Martha Stewart.